September 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Dear “It’s just like riding a bicycle”,
Boy oh boy do I hope that people aren’t lying about you. And if those people earnestly believe that your skill is the easiest to learn and retain, I really hope they aren’t underestimating your ability to be difficult. Because have you met “Easy as pie”? Have you tried making a pie crust? From scratch? With butter and lard? Not easy. I haven’t ridden a bike since I lived in Montana. It feels so long ago that I sometimes wonder if I’m making up that fact because my living there sounds a little random and my life feels so different now.
I’m really counting on you this weekend. We’re going to the Poconos and going bike riding. Sure, it’s mostly downhill, but that’s slightly scarier because the last time I was riding a bike, in order to use the brakes, I had to back-pedal. What the hell are handbrakes?
Please don’t help me get a Darwin Award.
August 24, 2011 § Leave a comment
Dear Poppy King for J. Crew,
I could compare you to a summer’s day, but it wouldn’t be quite fair, because, one, I am really disliking a majority of my summer’s days, and, two, an even enjoyable summer’s day cannot keep me company, much less keep me happy, on rainy days and snowy days and overcast, bloated sky days. You will forever be at my fingertips, a constant companion.
I love you for your ability to transform and be extraordinarily comfortable as well. No matter how truly scrubby I look with years’ old shorts, boyfriend’s discarded tshirt, hair unkempt, and no make up except the residual traces from yesterday’s eyeliner, I can’t help but feel gorgeous. Your inimitable shade of coral-red is so flattering. Your bright, poppy mixture of orange and red makes my skin tone seem more fair and even tone while bringing out a natural subtle blush color in my cheeks. With a swipe, you balance all the colors of my face, and I feel so refreshed and fabulous despite the fact that I look as if I rolled out of the bed, on to the floor, and into some dirt.
Imagine the possibilities when I clean up nicely and swipe you on. Listen, my darling, we could take over the world that way. Confidence is everything, and you are my secret weapon.
Available for a limited time (and back-ordered until at least October 10, 2011 online): Poppy King for J. Crew lipstick, $18
June 1, 2011 § Leave a comment
Where did you run away in such a hurried rush? We were just starting to like each other– let’s not talk about the allergy business– and you were finally starting to get all sorted out, and suddenly, suddenly you’re gone? You left so quickly that some of your things are still here. What am I suppose to do with your dirty socks? And toothpaste?
Wow, you do not have the soul-searching issues that Spring had with trying to find herself, now do you? You are self-confident and hot, almost suffocatingly so, and you’re not worried if there are people who can’t handle your personality. I would applaud you, but I am melting.
For the record, I haven’t gone swimming in years, and when I do go to the beach, I only lie down next the water; I don’t go in to it. But, now, the second I walk out an air conditioned building, I feel as if I’m walking into an ocean of heated water. I am stuck in a daze, drifting maybe, but, at the same time, stuck inside like pieces of pineapple in green jell-o. Oh my darling, I know you’re bootylicious, but I just can’t handle your jelly.
We are going to be the bestest of friends. I just know it. You are oh so sweet and refreshing.
Love from an air-conditioned room, Jenny
April 26, 2011 § Leave a comment
You have broken my heart multiple times the past couple of months with your indecisiveness. You’re hot and then you’re cold. And then sometimes you snow? I’m not sure if I can trust you.
Dear Mango Mochi Ice Cream,
I know some people like to celebrate the end of their work day with a glass of vino or a chilled bottle of beer, but you, my darling, are my favorite way to end the day during the summer time. Don’t worry. I don’t cheat on you during the winter months; I’m far too busy rolling myself up into a tight taquito of blankets and pillows and wool socks.
Dear Sweater Tights,
You were my best hosiery friend during fall and winter. You made me look fashionable while still keeping me warm, which, let’s face it, was much more important to me than anything else, including looking fashionable. But I think we might need to take a break…We’ve spent an awful lot of time together…And while I was walking home from work (…and then to the leasing office because I forgot my key inside the apartment and was locked out), I realized that we need to take some time too cool down.
I get it. You’re just around the corner. I’m going to the gym… Tomorrow.
Love, hearts, & kisses, kisses, kisses from Jenny
February 16, 2011 § Leave a comment
Dear 18 Year Old Jenny,
I could say that you shouldn’t be dating that boy since all he does is make you cry or that you should be using your time more wisely and not procrastinating when you really should be studying– when you’re accidentally watching a marathon of Dr. 91210, a show you can’t stand, because you can’t reach the remote, I really think that’s a sign that you should be doing something more productive, just saying— or to be yourself– okay, let’s face it, you’re going to be yourself whether you try hide your quirky self or let it shine because your personality is like a durian fruit— or that mom and dad are pretty much right about everything. But you probably won’t listen very well and take the advice. Plus the advice is pretty broad and general, so here are some tips that aren’t wibbly, wobbly, time-y, wime-y, convoluted life changing advice but they are very convenient if I were to know about them earlier in my life.
1. If you burn yourself, wet the burn with cold water and then dump, not sprinkle, a mountain of salt on it. How will you know if it’s enough salt? It should look like a miniature Mount Kilimanjaro. Wait around ten minutes and then wash it off. You know it’s working because you should feel the heat disappearing.
2. Buy the international version of your textbooks. The content is the same; usually the version is paperback so it’s lighter and more portable; the book is new so no messy, ugly handwritten notes that probably won’t be of much help; and it’s a fraction of the cost, like one-tenth of the bookstore price, which really is the main reason and the rest are just the rainbow sprinkles, caramel syrup, and the maraschino cherry on top. And let’s face the truth, besides the fact that you’ll only end up getting around $40 for the $210 textbook, you’re not actually going to get around to standing in line, are you?
3. If you have a run in your tights– stop that, stop, you scrunch your nose in disgust and disbelief, but, yes, you will love tights and your legs will look amazing in them–, brush clear nail polish on top of it. The run stops running and is frozen in time. It’s kind of magical.
4. Use eyeshadow primer, even if you’re just wearing eyeliner because you know that halfway through the day the eyeliner line will smudge and fade. There’s a reason why Urban Decay names their primer, “Potion”. There’s no smudging of eyeliner or creasing or fading of eyeshadow color. And it lasts for hours.
5. Put the bread in the freezer, it’ll last for months. Don’t put cakes, cupcakes, or muffins in the refrigerator because it will quickly dry out the crumb even if it’s just overnight. Leave them out on the counter, lightly covered.
6. When playing Apples to Apples, the winning cards are “Helen Keller” and “Plumber’s Crack”.
24 Year Old Jenny