Why I probably will not leave my bed

August 10, 2008 § Leave a comment

On deciding which plant to keep:

Me: What about a little bonsai tree? You know, they have bonsai potatoes.
Friend: Really? That’s a tad creepy.
Me: Oh yeah, I completely agree. But I saw it on the Food Network! Apparently, since potatoes sprout blossoms if you leave them alone for a little bit, people like to cut and arrange the sprouts. It’s suppose to be really relaxing but it scares me to pieces. Potatoes and onions since onions sprout those little tentacle looking things [makes creepy crawly motions with my right hand by wiggling my fingers frantically while my left hand whacks the right hand with pieces of paper repeatedly] if you leave them in a dark corner and forget them for a couple days. It’s like their onion revenge for the neglect!
Friend: I think I would be more afraid of the potatoes than the onions…
Me: Oh god no, the onion tentacles caused me to run into a wall and faint.
Friend: Wait, what?
Me: I was making Japanese curry and I was looking for the onions since I hadn’t used them in a while. My friend found them but when he showed me the onions, they had the tentacles! I was so freaked out that I screamed, turned to run away but hit the wall, and fell over. I’m also afraid of wigs. When they aren’t on people’s heads, I get this fear that they’ll move on their own since they remind me so much of those shaggy dogs; except because they aren’t shaggy dogs, they scare me.
Friend: You know, the really badly made ones do move on their own when they’re on people’s heads…
Me: Oh, I know! I’m okay with those. But just a lone one on like a desk, I picture it moving and chasing me [makes hopping motions with right hand while the left hand whacks the right hand with paper after the right hand hops a couple times]. It completely scares me to pieces. Oh! And so does the Monkfish!
Friend: [shocked for a second then bursts out laughing for several minutes] You know, you have the potential to lead a horrifyingly scared life.


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